Must Read....

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed,"she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. "
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came ."

Check it Out....whether u have a dirty mind or not....

This is how Girls Download Video's

India's Call Center Problems

Never Trust A Women...

Create a Shortcut to Lock Your Computer

Leaving your computer in a hurry but you don’t want to log off? You can double-click a shortcut on your desktop to quickly lock the keyboard and display without using CTRL+ALT+DEL or a screen saver. To create a shortcut on your desktop to lock your computer: Right-click the desktop. Point to New, and then click Shortcut. The Create Shortcut Wizard opens. In the text box, type the following: rundll32.exe user32.dll,LockWorkStation Click Next. Enter a name for the shortcut. You can call it "Lock Workstation" or choose any name you like. Click Finish. You can also change the shortcut's icon (my personal favorite is the padlock icon in shell32.dll). To change the icon: Right click the shortcut and then select Properties. Click the Shortcut tab, and then click the Change Icon button. In the Look for icons in this file text box, type: Shell32.dll. Click OK. Select one of the icons from the list and then click OK You could also give it a shortcut keystroke such CTRL+ALT+L. This would save you only one keystroke from the normal command, but it could be more convenient.

Automatically Kill Programs At Shutdown:

don't you hate it when, while trying to shut down, you get message boxes telling you that a program is still running? Making it so that Windows automatically kills applications running is a snap. Simply navigate to the HKEY_CURRENT_USERControl PanelDesktop directory in the Registry, then alter the key AutoEndTasks to the value 1.

GPEDIT.MSC And Autoplay

A great tweaking file that comes with XP is gpedit.msc. Go to Start -> Run... and then type in 'gpedit.msc' and press enter. This is effectively the Policies Editor, and it comes in handy often. For example, if you hate CD autoplay like I do and want to permanently disable it, you can use this tool to do so. Just run gpedit.msc, then go to Computer Configuration -> Administrative Templates -> System. In here you can see the value 'Turn Off Autoplay'. Right-click on it and then click 'Properties'.

No Shutdown

:Wanna play with your friends by removing the shutdown option from start menu in their computer.Just hack it down !!!
Regedit
HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Explorer
"NoClose"="DWORD:1"

Automatic Administrator Login:

Well here's the trick which you can use to prove that Windows XP is not at all secure as multi-user operating system. Hacking the system registry from any account having access to system registry puts you in to the administrator account.REGEDIT 4[HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows NT\CurrentVersion\Winlogon]"AutoAdminLogon"="1"

11 things you didn't know about Windows XP

.1. You can delete files immediately, without having them move to the Recycle Bin first. Go to the Start menu, select Run... and type 'gpedit.msc'; then select User Configuration, Administrative Templates, Windows Components, Windows Explorer and find the Do not move deleted files to the Recycle Bin setting. Set it. Poking around in gpedit will reveal a great many interface and system options, but take care -- some may stop your computer behaving as you wish. (Professional Edition only)

2. You can lock your XP workstation with two clicks of the mouse. Create a new shortcut on your desktop using a right mouse click, and enter 'rundll32.exe user32.dll,LockWorkStation' in the location field. Give the shortcut a name you like. That's it -- just double click on it and your computer will be locked. And if that's not easy enough, Windows key + L will do the same.

3. XP hides some system software you might want to remove, such as Windows Messenger, but you can tickle it and make it disgorge everything. Using Notepad or Edit, edit the text file /windows/inf/sysoc.inf, search for the word 'hide' and remove it. You can then go to the Add or Remove Programs in the Control Panel, select Add/Remove Windows Components and there will be your prey, exposed and vulnerable.

4. You can at last get rid of tasks on the computer from the command line by using 'taskkill /pid' and the task number, or just 'tskill' and the process number. Find that out by typing 'tasklist', which will also tell you a lot about what's going on in your system.

.5. You can run a program as a different user without logging out and back in again. Right click the icon, select Run As... and enter the user name and password you want to use. This only applies for that run. The trick is particularly useful if you need to have administrative permissions to install a program, which many require. Note that you can have some fun by running programs multiple times on the same system as different users, but this can have unforeseen effects.

.6. You can start up without needing to enter a user name or password. Select Run... from the start menu and type 'control userpasswords2', which will open the user accounts application. On the Users tab, clear the box for Users Must Enter A User Name And Password To Use This Computer, and click on OK. An Automatically Log On dialog box will appear; enter the user name and password for the account you want to use.

7. Internet Explorer 6 will automatically delete temporary files, but only if you tell it to. Start the browser, select Tools / Internet Options... and Advanced, go down to the Security area and check the box to Empty Temporary Internet Files folder when browser is closed.

8. The Start Menu can be leisurely when it decides to appear, but you can speed things along by changing the registry entry HKEY_CURRENT_USER/Control Panel/Desktop/MenuShowDelay from the default 400 to something a little snappier. Like 0.

9. You can rename loads of files at once in Windows Explorer. Highlight a set of files in a window, then right click on one and rename it. All the other files will be renamed to that name, with individual numbers in brackets to distinguish them. Also, in a folder you can arrange icons in alphabetised groups by View, Arrange Icon By... Show In Groups.

10. Windows Media Player will display the cover art for albums as it plays the tracks -- if it found the picture on the Internet when you copied the tracks from the CD. If it didn't, or if you have lots of pre-WMP music files, you can put your own copy of the cover art in the same directory as the tracks. Just call it folder.jpg and Windows Media Player will pick it up and display it.

11. Windows key + Break brings up the System Properties dialogue box; Windows key + D brings up the desktop; Windows key + Tab moves through the taskbar buttons.

Understanding Age Gap Relationships

Interestingly, a study on age gap relationships indicated that cases in which the wife was older than the husband showed a higher than usual proportion of good adjustments, as did those in which the husband was eight or more years older. Yet these same marriages showed also the highest proportion of poor adjustments.

It was found that the happiest group of husbands had wives twelve or more years younger, but that the happiest wives were from four to ten years older than their husbands. Yet the happiest couples were those in which the husband was from three to five years older. So you figure it out. Here are some helpful principles:

1. If the man is about the same age as, or somewhat older than the girl, there will be no special problem of age suitability.

2. If the girl is slightly older there will be no special problem unless one or the other feels sensitive about it. The only question then will be, "How do they feel about it?"

3. As people grow older, age differences become less important. Other things being equal, there will be less difference between a woman of fifty and a man of seventy, than between a girl of twenty and a man of forty.

4. When one is relatively young and the other as much as twelve years older, the couple should carefully review the following problems:

In these age gap relationships, there may be real differences in their interest in physical activities. If the man is the elder, this may not be too important. A man of thirty-five may play as good a game of golf or even tennis, and swim as well as a girl of twenty.

In fact their age gap may actually make them more evenly matched. A greater age gap relationship problem will be the stage in which their interests happen to be.

Younger people often want to gad about at dances, parties, night clubs, and similar activities. When people become older such activities are far less attractive and may, if indulged in too much, become boring.

If the male is considerably older and he and his wife do what he wants, she may miss out on a phase of her experience which, rightly or wrongly, she may always regret. If they do what she enjoys most, he is being dragged through the same experiences twice, perhaps after he is eager to go on to something else.

A compromise may work out. On the other hand, it may result in a type of social life which is satisfactory to neither of them. A deeper phase of the same problem concerns one's attitude toward life. To those of less experience the problems of age gap relationships seem much simpler than they actually are.

Young people are quite likely to feel that the older generation must be knaves or fools, or they would long since have abolished war, poverty, industrial strife and mosquitoes.

Older people,on the other hand, often find the enthusiasms of youth amusing. They may tolerate them in their children, but do not want them in a spouse. If the age gap is so great that the wife regards her husband as an old fogy, and the husband thinks of his wife as a simple child who spends too much effort and time in things that do not matter, the situation is not favorable to a successful marriage.

Yet the fact that age gap relationships are risky does not necessarily mean that it should not be attempted. One young lady of twenty-five who was marrying a man twice her age strongly stated that she would rather marry a first-class man of fifty than a third-rate man of thirty.

There could be other advantages to such a union. The girl who marries an older man has a better chance of knowing what she is getting. In any case, the most important consideration is not age, but maturity.

Younger people who are more mature than most of their contemporaries may actually find an older mate to be more congenial. Yet as in any age gap relationships, the preference for a much older mate should be scrutinized with great care.

The danger is that the older person is psychologically a substitute parent, rather than a mate.

TOUGH COMPETETION EVERYWHERE

After thinking for a while I’ve come to know that unknowingly or unintentionally we all are the part of rat race, with one common motive of winning the race and I am surprised to see that this thing starts right from the age of 7 or 8, when our parents says, look, the other girl/boy is better than you(in studies, sports, dance etc… ) you try hard to prove, to be in competition…

We grow up wondering whether ever we’ll be there at the top someday ?In college somebody else takes your trophy in a typical filmy way and you just end up playing the sidie(dancing behind the hero/heroins)… …

When you enter into professional life (with whatever amount of courage left inside) your colleagues and most importantly the BOSS waits for you( like a hungry lion waits for a poor goat) with the butcher’s knife(though invisible)in hand…


Finally one fine day you come to know that there’s a word called blogging where you can be just yourself and lo, here too you are worried for the comments, just don’t wanna be out of the competition…right?

What’s the solution??now please don’t say that you care a damn about this competition, because I know that all of us secretly dream of winning this race…don’t we??

11 WAYS OF STAYING FOCUSED

For me, there are always several things constantly competing for my time - articles to write, business opportunities to explore, links to follow up, my daily work, personal commitments etc. In my experience whenever I try to work on many things at the same time, none of them actually gets done.

In response, I’ve incorporated the following techniques for staying focused into my work patterns:

1. Having well defined goals. I can’t stress the importance of this too much. Having goals which are well defined along good guidelines is key. I’ve found writing my goals down really helps. Whenever I get distracted, I read my goals and I’m reminded of what I am trying to do and why.
2. Breaking things into bite sized chunks. Having broad high level goals are good but having an actionable plan is essential. A plan can identify how you can get from where you are to where you want go. Breaking goals into smaller actionable chunks (tasks) is great - it gives me motivation to start and allows me to get things done in one sitting.
3. Prioritising constantly. To figure out which task I should be working on, I prioritise constantly. Some tasks are more important than others. Some tasks are more urgent than others. I’ve found that working on urgent tasks followed by tasks which have the greatest impact to work well for me - urgent tasks allow me to get things done on time and important tasks allow me to maximise the benefits I receive.
4. Tracking progress vigorously. Each of us wants to improve our lives. However, it is easy to start with good intentions but more difficult to sustain commitment. I’ve found that by tracking my progress, I have more visibility on what I’ve done and can better gauge how much effort is left.
5. Planning ahead without fail. Concentrating on the remaining effort can help reinforce commitment. Some might think they’ll get discouraged, however I haven’t found this to be the case because my tasks are bite sized and easy to finish. I’ve found it really helps to look at my goals and task lists periodically, so I can assess how much time it’ll take to do something and determine the best time to sit down and work on it.
6. Rewarding myself when warranted. By all means focus on what’s outstanding, but also take stock of what’s done. I always reflect on what I’ve done, whether it is reading a post I did awhile ago or looking at the ticks I’ve made alongside my task lists. Whenever I accomplish a logical piece of work, I always reward myself. It really does help with maintaining motivation.
7. Having positive patterns in my routine. I’ve found having good habits and positive patterns to be instrumental. At the moment, I can consistently get more done. As these patterns continue to establish into a routine, I’m finding that I can better judge the periods of the day in which I really need to focus and work.
8. Removing distractions as best I can. The best way not to give in to temptation is not to have the option to. What seems to work for me is making the distractions difficult or inconvenient to access. Because it takes too much effort to indulge in the distraction, I find it is less likely for me to give in.
9. Blocking out some time. In a previous post I wrote about waking up early and consistently. You don’t necessarily have to do this but I’ve found that having quiet time, set aside specifically for accomplishing a given task, to be very productive. I also tend to be more focused in the morning after a restful night.
10. Keeping the results clear in mind. Instead of concentrating too much on the task at hand, sometimes I put some attention on the feelings I ultimately wish to experience. By focusing on the results, it is easier for me to maintain my motivation especially when working on things that I am not by nature motivated by.
11. Enlisting my family and friends for help. I communicate with my family and friends about my goals all the time. Not only have they been helpful with gentle reminders whenever they see my behaviour is not consistent with my goals, but they also give me constant incentives to work at my goals and succeed.

Change someone's windows password!

This hack works if you are at someone else's home and you are logged into the account of the person whose account you want to hack. This also works if you want to hack someone else's account on your pc bit do not know his/her password.
Click on START-->RUN.
Type compmgmt.msc & press enter.
In the left pane, select COMPUTER MANAGEMENT--> SYSTEM TOOLS--> LOCAL USERS AND GROUPS--> USERS.
Then in the right pane, select the user name whose account you want to hack. RIGHT CLICK and then click on SET PASSWORD from the pop-up menu.
Enter the new password. Click on OK.
There you have it. You have changed the user's password!

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folder lock without software
1
If you have a log in password for your account, this can be used to protect folders from other users. Your hard drive must be f

ormatted using NTFS (which it probably is unless you're dual booting with another operating system). Here's what to do...


Right-click the folder that you want to make private and choose "Properties"

(or Alt+Double-click). Go to the "Sharing" tab and check the "Make this folder private" box.

Click Apply . If you do not have a password on your account, a box will pop up asking if you want to assign a password. This must be done if you want to make the folder private, so click Yes . You will need to use your password to log on to your computer from then on.
Type in a password then confirm it. Click the "Create Password" button then close the Password window.
Click OK in the Properties dialog box.
Now anyone else logged on to your computer can't access that file without knowing your password.

Tweak Firefox for Faster Browsing

Type “about:config” in the address bar and press ENTER key.

Scroll down and look for the entries below and alter entries as follows:

1. Set “network.http.pipelining” To “true”
2. Set “network.http.proxy.pipelining” To “true”
3. Set “network.http.pipelining.maxrequests” to any number say 25. This settings decides how many concurrent requests/connections the browser can make to a server, Please keep in mind that using a high value can trigger flood control limits on some servers and you can be denied access to the website.
4.
5. Right-click and select New-> Integer. Name the new value “nglayout.initialpaint.delay” and set value to “0?. This value decides the amount of time the firefox waits before it acts on information it receives and displays it.

Without this tweak the browser will make one request to a web page at a time, When you enable pipelining it will make several requests at once, which speeds up page loading time.

Disable Shutdown

The registry tweak which I am telling you will disable shutdown, restart and hirbernate option from your XP. After that you will not be able to shutdown your computer........ Relax I will also tell you how to enable them again. So lets start....

Go to start menu, navigate to run and in run type 'regedit', this will activate registry editor.

Now open :-

HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Policies\Explorer

After clicking on last key i.e. exlorer right click on the right side pane and enter a new dword value name "NoClose" set its hexadecimal value to 1. Thats it. You did it. Now when you restart your computer you will find no shutdown option in your start menu, infact you won't find it anywhere. If you want to see the result without restarting then just press ctrl+alt+del this will open task manager go to processes and end process "explorer.exe", this will blank your desktop. To run explorer again, go to file option in task manager and write "explorer.exe" and now you can check your start menu. To enable it again navigate to above mentioned keys and change the value of "NoClose" to 0 and then perform the same task manager trick of closing "explorer". HOWZZZZZATTTT. I hope you enjoy this. Please send me your feedbacks.

>>>LoCk Ur DriVeS>>>

We don’t usually prefer to lock our drives, but sometimes it becomes nessecary. Say for instance you might have stored your office documents in D:\ and you don’t want your kids to access it, in such case this technique can be useful for you. Please don’t try this tweak with your root drive (usually C:\ is the root drive) since root drives are not intended to be locked ,there migh complication occur.
N plz remeber the Registry path u follow below:

Start & Run and type Regedit to open Registry editor
Browse HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\Curre ntVersion\Policies\Explorer
Create a new DWORD value NoViewOnDrive and set its value as

2^ (Alpha Number of Drive Letter-1) where Alpha number are simple number corresponding to drive letter from A to Z as 1 - 26
eg:(for c: 3,for d: 4,e: 5.f: 6)like dat
For example: to lock C:\, Alpha number of C is 3 so 2^ (3-1) = 4 (decimal value) similarly for d:\ it is 4 so 2^(4-1)=8
To lock more drives, calculate the value of each drive and then set sum of those numbers as value

To unlock your drive just delete the key from the registry

computer tricks n facts...!!!

A PerSoN discovered that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the computer which can be named as "CON"

This is something pretty cool... & unbelievable. ..
At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this happened!

So, inform about this to all your friends.
TRY IT NOW ,
IT WILL NOT

CREATE " CON " FOLDER




Notepad fun.........
~!~!~!~ Trick#1 ~!~!~!~

1. Open a blank Notepad file
2. Write .LOG as the first line of the file, followed by a enter. Save the file and close it.
3. Double-click the file to open it and notice that Notepad appends the current date and time to the end of the file and places the cursor on the line after.
4. Type your notes and then save and close the file.

After that open the file and see the changes.
by this trick u can also use ur notebook as a personal diary.


~!~!~!~ Trick#2 ~!~!~!~

1.open notepad
2. type "bush hid the facts"
3. save it and close it...
4 then open it again........n see the changes...............


~!~!~!~ Trick#3 ~!~!~!~

Do you know the number of the flight that was used to attack the world Trade Centre????
The flight number was Q33N.

Now, open your Notepad, type the number of the flight (i.e. Q33N).
Now click on format>font, increase the font size upto 72, and change the font style to 'wingdings'. Now see the ammmaaazzzing thing.


~!~!~!~ Trick#4 ~!~!~!~

Over at WinCustomize, someone thought they'd found an Easter Egg in the Windows Notepad application. If you:
1. Open Notepad
2. Type the text "this app can break" (without quotes)
3. Save the file
4. Re-open the file in Notepad

Notepad displays seemingly-random Chinese characters, or boxes if your default Notepad font doesn't support those characters.

It's not an Easter egg (even though it seems like a funny one), and as it turns out, Notepad writes the file correctly. It's only when Notepad reads the file back in that it seems to lose its mind.
Jan 23
ÐÈ©®¥p†
Folder Magic

Simply create a folder and give this name

"p.{FBF23B40-E3F0-101B-8488-00AA003E56F8}"

don't copy the double quote only name in between


See what u get
Its Magic!!!



**INVISIBLE FOLDER TRICK** <-----
yes...its true...presenting u the invisible folder trick...

go onto ur desktop
Right click->Create a new folder->Rename it as:

ALT + 0160 (i.e. pressing the ALT key type 0160 from ur numpad...mindwell making things clear only numpad... nothing else)

The above character wud seem a space.Now press enter & then right click-> Properties->customize->change icon->next look for a blank icon and select it.

thats it...u have successfully created a invisible folder.
its not hidden one...so no1 can even find it.

Plz note this aint my trick...i have learnt it from somwhere else.




Some unknown info in windos XP
Time Saving WinXp Key Shortcuts :

Windows key + D >> Shows the desktop.
Windows key + M >> Minimizes all open windows.
Windows key + Shift + M >> Maximizes all open windows.
Windows key + E >> Runs Windows Explorer.
Windows key + R >> Shows the RUN dialog.
Windows key + F >> Shows Search window.
Windows key + Break >> Shows System Properties box.
Windows key + TAB >> Go through taskbar applications.
ALT + SpaceBar + M >> Minimize Single Window.
ALT + F4 >> Close opend Application.
ALT + TAB >> Cycle through opened applications.

Lock Windows To Protect The Computer :

>> Create a shortcut with the path rundll32.exeuser32.dll,LockWorkStation.
>> The Windows key + L is also a shortcut to this feature.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Make ur own Harmless Virus
Make Frnds scare for VIRUS

Open notepad and type the code below:

lol=msgbox ("Warning a virus has been detected on your PC. Press YES to format your hard disk now or press NO to format your hard disk after system reboot",20,"Warning")

Then save it as Virus.VBS

and go to the folder that contains it and open it if a window pops out saying a virus has been detected it's working. Press yes or no to close the window and put it in the startup folder of the victim's account.
On startup the window should appear.
Note: This does not harm your computer as it does not contain virus.

The Yes and no button does not do anything except closing the window. And you can edit the virus in the sentence: Warning a virus has detected on your PC to any kind of virus eg.Trojan Horse like this lol=msgbox ("Warning a Trojan horse has been detected on your PC. Press YES to format your hard disk now or press NO to format format your hard disk after system reboot",20,"Warning")
now hav fun !!? ? ? ?

How to fix a scratched CD or DVD

A CD/DVD reader uses a laser beam to read the data on the disk. This laser beam crosses the protective plastic layer and reads the real recording metal layer. If the protective plastic layer is scratched, the laser will be unable to pass resulting in non-readable disc.

If somehow we manage to re-smooth this protective layer then the laser will reach the data and read it, now there are many ways we can achieve this using common household items as written below:

1). Toothpaste - Yups! toothpaste, you can use any non-gel based

toothpaste for this, just put a very small amount of it on the scratched area and polish it gently using a cotton swab, sometimes the paste may cause new minor scratches but they are just superficial. Now just wash the cd using water.

2). If the above trick does not work try some metal polish like Brasso gently wiping with a soft cotton ball followed by application of Vasaline.

3). Baking Soda - make a small quantity of baking soda paste and apply using a soft cotton cloth buffing the bad scratch. Clean the baking soda before using the disc.

4). You can also try using some oil as a polishing agent this also works many times.

there are many daily use products that can be used to get the cd working just keep on experimenting.

how to propose a girl in C++
#include
#include
#define Cute beautiful_lady
main()
{
goto college;
scanf("100%",&ladies);
if(lady ==Cute)
line++;
while( !reply )
{
printf("I Love U");
scanf("100%",&reply);
}
if(reply == "GAALI")
main(); _/* go back and repeat the process */
else if(reply == "SANDAL ")
exit(1);

else if(reply == "I Love U")
{
lover =Cute ;
love = (heart*)malloc(sizeof(lover));
}
goto restaurant;
restaurant:
{
food++;
smile++;
pay->money = lover->money;
return(college);
}
if(time==2.30)
goto cinema;
cinema:
{
watch++;
if(intermission)
{
coke++;
Popecorn++;
}
}
if(time ==6.00)
goto park;
}
}
{
for(time=6.30;time<= 8.30;time+=0.001)
kiss = kiss+1;
}
free(lover);
return(home);););););););););););););););););););););););););););););););););

Insulting Poems

i chased luv,i found friendship
i chased reality,i found dreams
i chased desires ,i found hopes
i chased lyf, i found u
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Roses are red;
violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in the zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in a cage but laughing at you.
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.then ~
I wrote your name on my heart And I got a heart attack straight away
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
God saw me hungry, HE created pizza.
HE saw me thirsty, HE created Pepsi
HE saw me in dark, HE created light
HE saw me without problems, HE created YOU

Love in the eyes of diff. people

Pessimist
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, as expected..., she never was
Optimist
If you love someone, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.
Playful
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat.
Animal-Rights Activist
If you love someone, Set her free, In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Bill Gates
If you love someone, Set her free, If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Biologist
you love someone, Set her free, She'll evolve.
Statisticians
If you love someone, Set her free, If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
Schwarzenegger's fans
If you love someone, Set her free, SHE'LL BE BACK!
Over possessive person
If you love someone don't set her free.
HR specialist
If you love someone set her free by Offering her VRS and other benefits Then outsource her.
Engineers :
If you love someone set her free instantaneously and look for others simultaneously
Psychologist
If you love someone set her free If she comes back her super ego is dominant If she does'nt come back her id is supreme If she does'nt go, she must be crazy.
Somnabulist
If you love someone set her free If she comes back it's a nightmare If she does'nt, you must be dreaming.
Rhett Butler
If you love someone set YOURSELF FREE If she asks you why say you don't give a damn.
ERP functional expert
If you love someone set her free If she comes back, map her into your system If she does'nt,carry out a gap-fit analysis
Finance expert
If you love someone set her free If she comes back its time to look fresh loans If she does'nt,write her off as an asset gone bad.
Marketing Expert
you love someone set her free If she comes back she has brand loyalty If she does'nt, reposition the brand in new markets

9/11 ....WTC

1. The Prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon: I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."

2. Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept: Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that...It was not us..... Bush : What buildings? What people?? Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now? Bush : It's eight in the morning. Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!
Cheers

Some facts abt Marriage

>CASE 1 Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

CASE 2 At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

CASE 3 Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.

CASE 4 Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.

CASE 5 A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."

CASE 6 Young son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad : "That happens in most countries son."

CASE 7 Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."

CASE 8 A happy marriage is a matter of give and take;the husband gives and the wife takes .

CASE 9 When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?

CASE 10 Married life is very frustrating...... In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

CASE 11 After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

CASE 12 A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

CASE 13 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing either the car is new or his wife is new.

CASE 14 A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The womanreplied, "A multimillionaire."

Keep Condoms in Car

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and commited my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.. What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
Moral of the story:- Always keep your condoms in your car.

Mutual Liking

HOW TO TELL IF GUYS LIKE GIRLS:
the guy will be nice to u.
he will tell u that u did good, even if u did horrible.
he might make fun of u. he'll want to be your friend.
he might compliment u on your hair, even if u wear it that way everyday.
he'll stick up for u. he will start hangin out with your friends.
he'll flirt with u. he'll call u for no good reason. he'll make eye contact with a happy grin on his face.

HOW TO TELL IF GIRLS LIKE GUYS:
They always talk about the different varieties or guys.
they stare at u with a smile on their face.
they always seem to be talking about how nice u r.
they laugh at all your jokes. they ask u who u like, continuously. they talk to your friends a lot. they always r flirting with every other guy, except u.
they always try to make u jealous. they beg u to do everything for them.
they always ask u what to do in a bad situation.

Divorce

A man and his wife were seeking a divorce at a localcourt. But thecustody of their child posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to thejudge that since she had brought the child into this world, she shouldretain custody.
The man also wanted custody of his child. The judge asked for his side of the story too.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and argued, "Judge, when I put a dollar in avending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to themachine?"
Hai koi jawaab???

Little Jhonny

One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!"
Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
Little Johnny said, "Yesterday, I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'
"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna get stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"

THE gay CHICKEN

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market. Old cock to young cock: "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity." Young cock: What ya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should retire. Old cock: young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some? Young cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine. Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win, you shall allow me to have one hen and if I loose you will have all. Young cock O.K. What kind of competition? Old cock: 50 metre run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 metres. Young cock no problem! We will compete tomorrow morning. Confidently, the following morning, the young cock allows the old cock to start off and when the old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might. Soon enough, he was behind the old cock in a matter of seconds. Suddenly, Bang! ..... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "&*$@ing hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !!!"

FINALLY HER LEGS......

One lady gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, Excuse me Father, but you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second ?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."

real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:

>> FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN (arrow down...the men are below)
>> Size 10 .................. Size 12 at least.
>> 40-ish.................. 48
>> Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever wil
l>> Athletic................ Flat-chested
>> Average looking......... Ugly
>> Beautiful............... Pathological liar
>> Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
>> Educated................ College dropout
>> Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
>> Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
>> Free spirit............. Substance user
>> Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
>> Fun..................... Annoying
>> Gentle.................. Comatose
>> Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
>> New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
>> Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
>> Open-minded............. Desperate
>> Outgoing................ Loud
>> Passionate.............. Loud
>> Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
>> Professional............ Real Witch
>> Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
>> Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
>> Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
>> Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
>> Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
>> Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
>> Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
>> Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

>>> THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
>> 40-ish.................. 52 and looking for a 25-yr-old
>> Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
>> Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
>> Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
>> Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
>> Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
>> Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
>> Good looking............ Arrogant
>> Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
>> Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
>> Mature.................. Until you get to know him
>> Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
>> Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
>> Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
>> Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
>> Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. One day the teacher brought in a great variety of Lifesavers candies, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," said the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey Lifesavers in their mouths, all of the children were stumped. I'll give you hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, one child spat the Lifesaver out of his mouth and yelled, "Spit' em out, you guys !!!! They're assholes!"

Something 4 the Weekend

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

15 golden points to become a complete software professional

1. Never write a line of code that someone else canunderstand.
2. Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Uselong counter intuitive names. Don't ever code "a=b",rather do something like:AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)[&(unsignedlong)(BetaFrameNodeFarm)]3. Type fast, think slow.
4. Never use direct references to anything ever. Buryeverything in macros. Bury the macros in includefiles. Refer those include files indirectly from otherinclude files. Use macros to refer those includefiles.
5. Never include a comment that will help someone elseunderstand your code. If they understand it, theydon't need you.
6. Never generate new sources. Always use the oldones. Every binary in the world should be generatedfrom the same sources.
7. Never archive all the sources necessary to build abinary. Always hide on your own disk. If they canbuild your binary, they don't need you.
8. Never code a function to return a value. Allfunctions must return a pointer to a structure whichcontains a pointer to a value.
9. Never discuss things in concrete terms. Alwaysspeak in abstract. If they can understand you, theydon't need you.
10. Never complete a project on time. If you do, theywill think it was easy and anyone can do it and theydon't need you.
11. When someone stops by your office to ask aquestion, talk forever but don't answer the question.If they get their questions answered, they don't needyou.
12. Load all sentences either written or spoken withalphabet soup. When someone asks you out to lunch,reply, "I can't because I've almost got my RISC-basedOSI/TCP/IP client connected by BIBUS VMS VAX usingSMTP over TCP sending SNMP inquiry results to beencapsulated in UDP packets for transmission to a SUN4/280 NFS 4.3 BSD with release 3.6 of RPC/XDRsupporting our ONC effort working."
13. Never clean your office. Never ever throw away anold listing.
14. Never say hello to someone in the hallway.Absolutely never address someone by name. If you mustaddress someone by name, mumble or use the wrong name.Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out fromconcentrating on complex logic.
15. Never wear a shirt that matches your pants. Wear awrinkled shirt whenever possible. Your shirt mustnever be tucked in completely. Button the top buttonwithout wearing a tie. This will maximize yourmystique

LITTLE MARY

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

FRIENDS

[ Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.(Most importantly the last sentence.) ]
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave hima bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.
Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his fatherthat all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said,"You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. Thefence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, theyleave a scar just like this one.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how manytimes you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.
" A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us."
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends. Now send this to every friend you have!!
Please forgive me if I ever left a hole!

cOMPUTER mOVIES

People in show biz (no, we’re not talking about Microsoft here) just don’t know computers.
Here are some oft-noticed bloopers to keep an eye out for:
1. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
2. You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing Access All Secret Files on any keyboard.
3. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing Upload Virus
(see Independence Day).
4.All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer even if it’s turned off.
5.Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes.
The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface.
Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and
an explosion that forces you backwards.
People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before the intermission and guess
the secret password in two tries.
Any Permission Denied message has an Override function (see Demolition Man and countless others).
No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into.
All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time videophone
capabilities and the performance of a Cray supercomputer.

U will Agree to this......Man and Women

> Life is indeed cruel to men. When they are born their mothers get > compliments and flowers, when they get married their brides get > presents and publicity and when they die their wives get the > sympathies and the insurance money. I sincerely believe that > whosoever termed the fair sex as the weaker sex has done an unfair > thing since the weaker sex is indeed the stronger sex because of > the weakness of the stronger sex for the weaker sex. > > The world is full of men who convert this weakness into a lifelong > bondage, euphemistically called 'marriage'. Alas, they forget that > as bachelors they were longingly looked upon by the weaker sex as > 'a thing of beauty and BOY forever' and they roamed around like a > rolling stone that gathers no boss. But unwittingly, like fools, > they rush into a venture where even angels fear to tread. They are > perhaps too innocent to realise that marriage is the name of the > game where the man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets > her master's degree. > > But different bachelors have different compulsions to walk into > this bondage. Sometimes stealing a kiss leads to 'life > imprisonment' - a perfect example of crime and punishment. Some > others walk into this trap after calculating that it is cheaper to > marry a girl and keep her home than not to marry and take her out. > > But those who marry in haste repent in leisure also. It is true > that marriages are made in heaven but when the couple join hands on > the earth it becomes just another union that defies management. As > the resonance of the weddding recede into the background the notes > of discord start appearing and the 'better half' starts looking > like the bitter half. It does not take long for the man to wonder > what happened to the girl he married and for the girl to wonder > what happened to the man she didn't. But most often the discord > happens on account of the average husband's ambition to be able to > afford what his wife is spending. As it always happens in such > cases, the joint account is never over-drawn by the wife, it is > always under-deposited by the husband. > > Old couples however say that such differences between husband and > wife are only spice of conjugal relationships; for, where there is > no difference there must be a vast degree of indifference. The > harmony arising out of love is the essence that sustains marital > happiness. It has certain well defined secrets. To be happy with a > man you must love him a little and understand him a lot. To be > happy with a woman you have to love her a lot and understand her a > little. Mutual trust and confidence is the other touchstone of > marital harmony, as every husband expects himself to be his wife's > first love while every wife hopes herself to be her husband's last > romance. > > In the ultimate analysis, however, marriage turns out to be an > American cafetaria: you choose what you like and pay for it > later. What you pay and how much you pay depends upon your > luck. For, it takes quite a bit of luck to make a wife out of a > woman. Remember! God created Woman after Man, and ever since then > she has been after man. >

Women Says - Man Hears

What a woman says: This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now! What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU
AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

Women - A Chemical Analysis

Element Name : WomenPeriodic Chart Symbol : WoDiscoverer : AdamAtomic Mass : Generally, accepted as 110 lbs, but known to vary from 110 lbs to 550 lbs.Occurance : Copious quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.2. Boils with no provocation.3. Freezes up solid unexpectedly.4. Melts if given special treatment.5. Bitter if incorrectly used or ignored.6. Yield to pressure applied to certain points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones such as diamonds, rubies and sapphires among others.2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or reason.4. Insoluble in liquids, but actively greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car.2. Can be agreat aid to relaxation.3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.2. Turns green with envy when placed besides a better specimen.3. Defies proper aging analysis techniques.
HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.2. Illegal to posses more than one at a time although several can be maintained at different locations as long as the specimen do not come into contact with each other.

Who Talks More

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "What?"

When Husband Can Read it

A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician. He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel.He then rushed off. At home,she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass and tried to read the words;the stamp read:"When your husband can read this without his glasses, it's time to get yourself to the hospital."

Poor Mom

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.
"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom still has to share with dad."

Software Engineer - Marriage Proposal

Dear Ms. Smriti,
Baby, I 'v seen you yesterday while surfing on local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For long time, I have been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you, which never produces an executable code and hence is useless. You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful, which encourages me and gives power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules were running smoothly and giving expected results. /* Which I never experienced before */. With this letter, I just want to convey to you that, if we linked together, I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage. I anticipate that nobody is already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail. And its all certain that if this happened to me,I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
Only yours,
Shyju
Software Professional

ARRANGED MARRIAGES In Search of Beauties

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
( A collection of tips to find a beautiful wife)If you are a typical, single, Indian man who lives in the USA, thetime will come when it will dawn on you that the only chance you haveto indulge in wedded bliss lies in the hallowed institution of the"Arranged Marriage". You probably left India when you were twenty-one,having squandered your adolescence striving to get here. At thispoint, you are twenty-five or older, and have been out of touch withthe general Indian female population for more than a decade. All thewomen you know back home are married. This manual is written for those of you who harbor hopes of acquiring a beautiful arranged bride.
If you belong to the rarified set of intellectuals to whom theexternal female form holds no charms, and those who evaluate othersaccording to the quality of their inner selves, this manual is not foryou. Before you stop reading, please accept my heartiestcongratulations on your self control and ideological correctness. Iam not worthy of even addressing you (kneel! kneel!).
No, this manual is for the rest of you, mere mortals, who still haveenough red blood in their veins so that you can admit, even toyourselves, that you rather like the idea of having a beautiful wife.
Of course, before I even go about describing how to acquire beauty, it is necessary to define it. And this is where I expect the most disagreement. There will be those among you who proclaim, "But beautyis in the eye of the beholder!" And you would be partly right.
If you are a man who equates beauty to facial attractiveness, there is not much that this manual can do for you. You are a very fortunate man, for Indian women have the most beautiful faces of any race in theworld. You have a very large pool to choose from, and you do not need much help in choosing, because you can look at each prospectivebride's face and decide whether she is beautiful or not.
No, this is written for those who would like their wife to have a goodfigure too. For you, the job is harder. Typically, Indian women do notget much physical exercise, and consequently, if they are not scrawny,tend to be on the overweight side. Why do you think sarees are sopopular in India? Because they can hide all the embarrassing bulk!Some men think that Indian women do not have shapely legs by reasonsof genetics. I say to them, check out the figures of the IA (ABCD toyou politically incorrect guys) women. They are on par with anythingI have seen on any other race. This is because IA women work out andtake care to keep themselves in shape. You cannot go covering yourselfup around here, not if you want to get dates.
If you are one of those academic types who have not given much thoughtto the matter, or merely one of those blighters who like to askintelligent questions to which you already know the answers, and askme, "But why does one NEED a beautiful wife?" I would reply thatbeauty is a double edged sword. It has its advantages anddisadvantages, some of which I summarize below.
Advantages of having a beautiful wife._____________________________________________
a) A beautiful girl is much easier to adjust to than anunattractive one. You will be much more tolerant of her faults duringthe initial "adjustment" phase of marriage, simply because you willnot have the heart to get irritated with someone so lovely. She willbe much easier to forgive after a fight.
b) If you are the typical desi engineer, you will not be exactlyAdonis Reborn. If your wife is homely too, your child will probablylook like the Swamp Thing, or the Blob. If you love your unbornchildren, you owe it to them to give them a beautiful mother.
c) A beautiful wife enhances your social stature. People willlook at you and think, "How the ^&*% did that !@## land such agorgeous babe? He must have something that is not visible on theoutside!" You will get invited to more parties, especially by men whowant to spend the evening drooling at her. Conversely, if your wife ishomely, you will be rather embarrassed to take her to gatherings ofyour friends, especially if they are all married to knockouts.
d) And most importantly, sex will be much better if your wife isgood-looking. Otherwise, after a couple of years when the pent-uphorniness of the past 25+ years has worn off, you probably will not beeven able to get it up, unless you resort to ungentlemanly andundignified tactics, like fantasising about Sridevi when you are inbed.
Disadvantages of having a beautiful wife. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
a) If you are one of those for whom innocence, virtue, and chastityare important, beautiful women are not for you. My empirical researchshows that, while beauty (or the lack of it) in a woman is in no wayindicative of her intelligence, beautiful women are invariably verystreet-smart. They KNOW that they are good looking, and have got usedto people bending over backwards to accommodate them. This dawns onthem very early on in life, when they observe that teachers are muchnicer to them than to their less-attractive friends, when almost allthe men they encounter behave like brainless, testeterone-driven apesin their presense, when they observe that they get things done twiceas quickly in a government office.
As a teenager in college, a beautiful woman would have had lots of menvying with each other for her friendship and affections. She wouldhave to be more than human not to have enjoyed the attention. Shewould have played the men one against the other, as women have donesince time immemorial. She might have dated, and even had affairs. Inthe process, she would get to know men all too well, and would realizethat they are but putty in the hands of a good-looking woman.
b) A good-looking woman is more than a match for the average desiengineer. She will twist you around her little finger and make youjump through hoops. Things will get done her way nearly all the time.Of course, it will be fun to jump through hoops for someone as lovelyas she is. A homely woman, on the other hand, will usually be sograteful to you for marrying her that she will treat you like a king.
c) As I mentioned before, a beautiful woman is unlikely to beparticularly virtuous or righteous. But that is okay, since too muchvirtue often goes hand-in-hand with rather undesirable traits. Avirtuous woman may also be ugly, weird, boring, hyper-religious or frigid.
d) A beautiful woman is more likely to "stray" after marriagetoo. This is the USA, and the fact that a woman is married does notmake her off-limits to adventurers or would-be Casanovas. The morelovely a woman is, the more likely is she to be propositioned by hermale colleagues or friends. Ergo, she is subject to much moretemptation than her homely counterparts. Think about this... howwould it be if women kept asking you, a man, to make love to them? Howmany times would you refuse?
How to go about selecting a beautiful wife. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
First of all, there is the matter of mentioning the fact to yourparents. If your parents are anything like mine, they will freak outwhen they hear that their dear devoted son is actually interested inearthy things like beauty (and, by extrapolation, sex). It is notconsidered good form to say that beauty is important to you in Indiancircles.
Here is a very important tip... do not leave bride-hunting to yourparents! Beauty is going to be the last of their priorities, comingafter caste, horoscopes, family background, perceived virtue of thegirl etc. Make it very clear to them that beauty is high on your listof priorities. State in no uncertain terms that you will not marryanyone who does not measure up to your standards. That will preventthem from goofing off during bride-hunting, shirking theirresponsibilities and palming off some family-friend's daughter on you.
Another unpalatable fact is that your mother will not want you tomarry someone too beautiful. This often comes as a surprise to mostsons, but the reason is simple. Mothers know that, sooner or later,there will be a tussle between her and her daughter-in-law over herson's affections and loyalties. Since women are extremely consciousof their looks and tend to rate themselves accordingly, a beautifulwoman has a psychological advantage over a less attractive one in anargument. Also, your mother knows that a beautiful wife will tilt thescales against her as far as you are concerned, since such a wife willprobably have you dangling by the balls, if you pardon the expression.So, left to herself, your mother will limit her search to women whoare less attractive than she perceives herself to be.
Before you start on your bride-hunting, you should convince yourselfthat you deserve a beautiful wife. Do not ever think, "But I am not sogood-looking anyway, what right have I to demand a lovely girl?"Since Man started walking the earth, it has been the man's wealth thathas been traded off for the woman's beauty. Rest assured that yourlooks will be the last thing on a girl's mind when she rates you as aprospective husband. (I am limiting myself to arranged marriageshere). She will be weighing your earning potential, green-cardpotential etc. Even in this land of feminism, "Cosmopolitan" hasarticles on "How to hook a rich husband" and "The ten best places to meet successful men".
You have worked hard, and wasted ten of the most wonderful years ofyour life getting where you are. You deserve to get something out ofit. Do not squander your bargaining position. In other words, do notbe ashamed to make your preference for beauty known.
How to check whether she is beautiful. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
First of all, never consent to marry a girl whom you have seen only in photographs. PHOTOGRAPHS LIE!!!! Photography is an art that can make HKL Bhagat look like Zeenat Aman. All too often, photographs sent to prospective suitors contain only the face. Also, they usually havebeen so air-brushed and sanitized, all the pimples and otherirregularities removed, that the end product has little in common withthe original. Also, it is a certain fact that no woman will consent tosend you photograph that presents herself in an unflattering light.
These days, in the urban areas of India, it is often the practice totake an album-full of pictures of a girl when she gets to marriageableage. These pictures show the girl in various outfits, eastern andwestern. The album is then sent to prospective grooms-in-the-states.During my last visit to India, I learned from an authoritative sourcethat many of these pictures are blatant forgeries, involving splicingthe girl's head on to the figure of some other girl, sometimesprofessional models. In one case, pictures of a girl's good-lookingsister were went out instead. Bottom line: do not make a decisionbased merely on photographs!
Darshan ^^^^^^^
Once you see the girl directly, you can easily check whether her face measures up. The figure is a different matter altogether. Women have conducted more research into packaging themselves than have been conducted on the entire US space effort. You should realize that,while you were struggling in your engineering program in undergraduateon grad school, women were learning the techniques of camouflage. SheKNOWS that it is her looks that count. By packaging herself so thatshe seems attractive to a non-resident Indian for about 10 minutes,she can earn all that it took the NRI 10 years of hard work torealize. Women are extremely honest with their friends about theirpositive and negative points. They are intensely aware of their flaws,and work systematically towards concealing them.
So, if she seems to have a liking for loose, flowing sarees orsalwar-kameez, keep your mind open to the possibility that she may beoverweight. That fold of her saree draped oh-so-elegantly across hermidriff might be concealing a paunch. It it is wound demurely aroundher back, she probably has spare tires. Does she walk slowly andsedately, like an old Spanish galleon making its way across the seas?She is probably holding her paunch in.
So what do you do if she always appears in such clothes? You cannotvery well demand that she change clothes... that would be outrageouslybad form. AND SHE KNOWS THAT! One way to approach such a problem isthe following. Tell her that she cannot wear a saree in the states,that it would be embarrassing for you. Tell her that if she is notwilling to wear jeans, shorts and pants on a regular basis, you areprobably not a good choice for her. Subtly hint that you would like tosee her in western clothes. If she refuses flat-out, my friend, youcan be sure that she is hiding something. If she has a good figure,she will make damned sure that you see it.
A large percentage of women in India have huge hips and very heavythighs. This is mainly due to lack of exercise. In a saree orchuridar, it is impossible to check for these, which is why they areso popular. If a woman states that she does not wear pants, warningbells should ring in her mind. One way to check for obesity under asaree or salwar is to note the relative positions of her bosom andmidriff. For a woman with a good figure, the bosom should be at aconsiderably higher level. If she dresses so that the bosom does notstand out, it is almost surely because she has a paunch that comes tothe same level. Or she may be droopy, saggy or totally flat.
Let me reiterate, if a girl has something to show, she will makedamned sure that you will see it.
One way to see how your prospective bride looks when she is notdressed up is to ask to see her family albums. NOT the ones that theykeep out ostentatiously but the ones that they keep tucked away at thecorner of the shelf. A lot of overweight women go through crash dietsduring the wedding season, starving themselves or going toprofessional "fat-farms" to lose dozens of pounds, to get intopresentable shape for the darshan. I know of one woman who lost 60pounds in 8 months preparing for the wedding. She quickly gained itall back after the marriage. Pictures of the woman taken 2 or 3 yearsago should tell you whether she is inclined to obesity.
If, on the other hand, she is a thin woman who has padded herself upto look good on darshan day, there is no way on earth that you cantell. The best way to check for this sort of stuff is to enlist thehelp of a sympathetic, liberated, female, friend, sister or otherrelative. She can easily see through the disguise and give youunbiased estimates of the interior. So, if you have a sister, you hadbetter start being nice to her.
HAPPY HUNTING! ... UNITING!